Saturday, August 20, 2005
The Passion Of Mine
If one has a burning passion, what keeps the flame alive?
During my life sentence in the Green organization, idling was a huge thing. It's immensely sought after, yet nobody wants to be caught in the midst of it. Apparently, with so much regulations in the organization, idling was mostly frowned upon as disrespect for one's vocation. Obviously no one was perturbed - no one gives up booze because it's unhealthy. In any case, idling was regrettably not to be my favourite pastime while I was doing my time in there as boredom gets to me sooner than I always imagined. Since life in the Green organization goes to a lull at times, instead of binging in canteens (also another favourite pastime of the people in the organization although I think it serves as more of a necessity than pastime) and idling extensively all the time, I thought of doing something exhilarating, fast-paced and challenging - running.
During my life sentence in the Green organization, idling was a huge thing. It's immensely sought after, yet nobody wants to be caught in the midst of it. Apparently, with so much regulations in the organization, idling was mostly frowned upon as disrespect for one's vocation. Obviously no one was perturbed - no one gives up booze because it's unhealthy. In any case, idling was regrettably not to be my favourite pastime while I was doing my time in there as boredom gets to me sooner than I always imagined. Since life in the Green organization goes to a lull at times, instead of binging in canteens (also another favourite pastime of the people in the organization although I think it serves as more of a necessity than pastime) and idling extensively all the time, I thought of doing something exhilarating, fast-paced and challenging - running.
The utter dearth of sporting amenities was one thing. But the state of those that were available for use was pathetic at best. So there weren't much that one could do even if he wanted to. Nevermind that the upper echelons of the organization were running fanatics because I never thought that running could be anything more than just what was needed to pass one's physical fitness test. But competitive running in the organization itself, as with many other sports, had its fair share of benefits.
Although I've never been known in the past to possess any talent in sports, I wanted so much the incentives that I thought I would become a competitive freak; I joined the running fraternity eventually.
Representing the Green organization in subsequent running events only proved to be more delightful experiences. The adrenalin rush and excitement only pushed me on during trainings. Even though some runners eventually became weary from the strenuous training, I only thought better things were to come. Perhaps it's the endorphins. Perhaps it's the camaraderie I had formed with the people during training. Perhaps I had become addicted. Somehow running has became a passion for me. Or so I thought.
Many memories I keep of those times. But life never stagnates. Eventually, I had to focus on other priorities in my life soon after I was released from the organization. Running, I thought wasn't taking a back seat anytime soon even if I'm not in the organization. I was determined. What could stop me from running?
Yet merely a few months after, the urge and motivation to run started waning, albeit steadily. There's no more anticipation for it. Sometimes it's a drudgery. Is it just an obligation to sustain what I had supposed to be a passion then? Or have I mistaken what was in fact an outlet for something else for passion?
Everything just doesn't fall in place.
In retrospect, perhaps it was partly the passion to run for the organization; the pride, satisfaction and remuneration. On the other hand, boredom could have been the culprit. Or maybe, hidden, undiscovered talent? I need to find the pieces to complete the puzzle, if there ever is.
Right now, I think running is the way to keep tabs on my fitness index and performance. I cannot let others outrun me.
My own RC750WB.
A void which has not been filled since the last attempt.
Lethargy and restlessness are just two of its many contradictory symptoms. I've no idea why I could be feeling this way when I'm eating well, feeling fit as a fiddle and having no inter-personal problems at all. Is this some sort of mental illness or just a transient state of mood change that's caused by a prolonged period of boredom and loneliness?
Although I've activities to which I can engage myself in, I seldom feel any sense of satisfaction or fulfillment at the end. Sometimes I do not even want to do anything because it seems almost pointless. Does it mean that I'm mentally askewed?
I yearn for that familiarity and to bath in it's warmth again; the adrenalin rush through my entire body and psyche. I want to be lost for words once again, to just indulge simply in it's splendor and serenity. It'll be terrific to once again feel euphoria wrapped around my heart and I can feel palpitations of felicity every other second.
But inhibitions and past setbacks prove to be immense mental challenges. It's web of complexity remains to be the biggest challenge, entangling the inexperienced and mentally weak. Nonetheless many have tried numerous times and have successfully escaped the web's ruthless pitfalls, eventually.
Should I make another attempt? Or allow fate to decide and coincidence to befall upon me? In the end it's still a matter of the mind's willingness to being pursuit or just maintain the status quo, as it has always been.
"Come live in my heart, and pay no rent." - Samuel Lover